The Hidden Factor Behind Conflict (and How to Resolve It)

Author: Dr. Adam Lodzinski

The Role of Intent in Conflict Generation

At the heart of any conflict lies the belief that the action of another was deliberate and designed to harm or hurt you, whether it’s in a tangible or psychological way. This forms one of the four essentials for conflict to arise. So, if we perceive an act as unintentional, the chances for conflict to bubble up decreases significantly.

There's a challenge, though. Determining intent is not easy. Despite what others tell us, we may never know their true intentions. If an individual can't deny their actions, they might claim their intentions were innocent. This is an enticing escape route from possible conflicts (not to mention awkward situations). The "I didn’t mean it" phrase is one we're all familiar with.

Mitigating Conflict through the Benefit of Doubt

In situations where we can give someone the benefit of the doubt, the likelihood of conflict dwindles rapidly. Even if we can’t give that person the full benefit of the doubt, being able to give them at least some can lessen the potential for conflict. 

Also, if what the other person did was on impulse and non-premeditated – and if it was quickly followed by an apology – the chances of conflict are lessened.

Intention Misfires and the Impact on Conflict

Conflict can be further lessened when actions have good intentions but don’t land as expected. Think of those instances when a piece of well-intentioned criticism sounded too harsh or someone’s heart-felt advice inadvertently came off as condescending, nosy, or preachy.

Similarly, conflicts can be diminished if the action causing the problem was motivated by a sincere and well-meaning rationale, like sparing someone's feelings (e.g., not wanting to hurt their feelings) or preventing them from undue worry. 

The Role of Personal Motives in Conflict

In scenarios where actions aren’t driven by ill will or some personal agenda, the potential for conflict lessens significantly. For instance, a layoff due to an economic downturn might cause both tangible and psychological loss, but since it’s impersonal, the likelihood of conflict remains low. Even if there are hard feelings, the chance of a conflict arising is considerably lessened as long as it's not personal.

Intent and Malice: A Potent Recipe for Conflict

On the flip side, actions driven by malice or provocation, particularly those executed with forethought to inflict tangible or psychological loss, are almost certain to heighten the potential for conflict. The degree of ill will behind the intent directly correlates with the likelihood of conflict. Expressions like “I didn’t want this to happen” “I was only trying to help,” or “It’s nothing personal—this is purely a business decision” reflect our sensitivity to the intent behind actions and words.

Understanding the influence of intent on conflict creation and resolution is crucial. It can help us navigate tricky interpersonal situations and promote healthier, more constructive exchanges. Although it is important to keep in mind that intent isn't always clear-cut, exploring it openly and honestly can lead us towards more effective conflict resolution.

Discover the power of conflict resolution in my book, and unlock the keys to resolving conflicts effectively, with my new book: The Four Essentials of Conflict Resolution - now available on Amazon.

The Roots of Conflict: Understanding the Role of Loss in Relationships

Author: Dr. Adam Lodzinski

Unraveling the Tangled Web of Conflict Dynamics

Conflict is an inevitable aspect of relationships. Whether it's between friends, family members, or colleagues, understanding the root causes of conflict is essential for resolving issues effectively. One factor that often gets overlooked is the central role that loss plays in driving conflict.

So, why is loss so central to conflict? Let's delve into the two reasons that make loss an intrinsic part of conflicts - and how to resolve it.

Loss, Inequity, and Unfairness: The Birthplace of Conflict

The first reason loss is so important to conflict is because it introduces unfairness and inequity into relationships.

We all have an innate need for justice and fairness. When loss occurs, it is perceived as an imbalance that most people find intolerable. The desire to correct this imbalance often leads to actions aimed at “setting things right,” which may in turn escalate tensions. Our daily language reflects this sensitivity towards loss, inequity, and unfairness. Common expressions like “What can I do to make it up to you?”, “Don’t get mad, get even”, or “You owe me an apology” are evidence of this.

The larger the perceived loss, the greater the sense of inequity. As inequity increases, so does the potential for conflict.

The Ingredients of Successful Relationships

There are myriad factors that contribute to a successful relationship, whether it be romantic, platonic, or professional. Fundamentally, three key ingredients must be present: plusses in the relationship for both parties, the plusses outweighing the minuses, and an overall sense of fairness. While it may sound cold to talk about relationships in terms of “plusses” and “minuses,” it is an effective way to conceptualize the balance needed for a relationship to thrive. When conflict arises, it is precisely these aspects are what both parties often focus on.

The Importance of Plusses

Imagine a scenario where you continue working without receiving a paycheck, or consistently helping a friend who never returns the favour. You wouldn’t want to continue, right? That’s because, for any relationship to work, both parties need to gain something from it. When the plusses such as emotional support, financial benefits, or companionship are lacking, the relationship becomes unsustainable.

The Role of Minuses

Conversely, relationships also have costs, whether it be time, money, or emotional investment. Since no person or situation is perfect, every relationship requires some level of compromise. When the minuses outweigh the benefits, it’s natural for one to reconsider the value of the relationship.

Fairness as the Balancing Act

Fairness is crucial to maintaining a healthy balance between plusses and minuses. When there is a perception of not getting a fair share out of the relationship, feelings of being short-changed arise. Continuous self-sacrifice without reciprocation can lead to building resentment and, eventually, conflict.

Conclusion: The Soil of Conflict

Loss in relationships can create a domino effect leading to conflict. When loss occurs, the imbalance between the plusses and minuses of the relationship surfaces, alongside issues of fairness and equity. If loss is the root of conflict, then the three other essentials - intent, violation, and responsibility - serve as its soil. Understanding these dynamics is the first step in effectively managing and resolving conflicts in relationships.

To deepen your understanding of conflict and conflict resolution, as well as your skill in conflict resolution, I invite you to explore my new book, The Four Essentials of Conflict Resolution. This comprehensive resource delves into the nuances of conflict resolution, providing invaluable strategies to effectively manage conflicts in various contexts. With the knowledge and tools shared in this book, you can unlock the keys to resolving conflicts effectively and nurture stronger, more harmonious relationships. Discover the power of conflict resolution in my book, and unlock the keys to resolving conflicts effectively, with my new book: The Four Essentials of Conflict Resolution.