Author: Dr. Adam Lodzinski
Unraveling the Tangled Web of Conflict Dynamics
Conflict is an inevitable aspect of relationships. Whether it's between friends, family members, or colleagues, understanding the root causes of conflict is essential for resolving issues effectively. One factor that often gets overlooked is the central role that loss plays in driving conflict.
So, why is loss so central to conflict? Let's delve into the two reasons that make loss an intrinsic part of conflicts - and how to resolve it.
Loss, Inequity, and Unfairness: The Birthplace of Conflict
The first reason loss is so important to conflict is because it introduces unfairness and inequity into relationships.
We all have an innate need for justice and fairness. When loss occurs, it is perceived as an imbalance that most people find intolerable. The desire to correct this imbalance often leads to actions aimed at “setting things right,” which may in turn escalate tensions. Our daily language reflects this sensitivity towards loss, inequity, and unfairness. Common expressions like “What can I do to make it up to you?”, “Don’t get mad, get even”, or “You owe me an apology” are evidence of this.
The larger the perceived loss, the greater the sense of inequity. As inequity increases, so does the potential for conflict.
The Ingredients of Successful Relationships
There are myriad factors that contribute to a successful relationship, whether it be romantic, platonic, or professional. Fundamentally, three key ingredients must be present: plusses in the relationship for both parties, the plusses outweighing the minuses, and an overall sense of fairness. While it may sound cold to talk about relationships in terms of “plusses” and “minuses,” it is an effective way to conceptualize the balance needed for a relationship to thrive. When conflict arises, it is precisely these aspects are what both parties often focus on.
The Importance of Plusses
Imagine a scenario where you continue working without receiving a paycheck, or consistently helping a friend who never returns the favour. You wouldn’t want to continue, right? That’s because, for any relationship to work, both parties need to gain something from it. When the plusses such as emotional support, financial benefits, or companionship are lacking, the relationship becomes unsustainable.
The Role of Minuses
Conversely, relationships also have costs, whether it be time, money, or emotional investment. Since no person or situation is perfect, every relationship requires some level of compromise. When the minuses outweigh the benefits, it’s natural for one to reconsider the value of the relationship.
Fairness as the Balancing Act
Fairness is crucial to maintaining a healthy balance between plusses and minuses. When there is a perception of not getting a fair share out of the relationship, feelings of being short-changed arise. Continuous self-sacrifice without reciprocation can lead to building resentment and, eventually, conflict.
Conclusion: The Soil of Conflict
Loss in relationships can create a domino effect leading to conflict. When loss occurs, the imbalance between the plusses and minuses of the relationship surfaces, alongside issues of fairness and equity. If loss is the root of conflict, then the three other essentials - intent, violation, and responsibility - serve as its soil. Understanding these dynamics is the first step in effectively managing and resolving conflicts in relationships.
To deepen your understanding of conflict and conflict resolution, as well as your skill in conflict resolution, I invite you to explore my new book, The Four Essentials of Conflict Resolution. This comprehensive resource delves into the nuances of conflict resolution, providing invaluable strategies to effectively manage conflicts in various contexts. With the knowledge and tools shared in this book, you can unlock the keys to resolving conflicts effectively and nurture stronger, more harmonious relationships. Discover the power of conflict resolution in my book, and unlock the keys to resolving conflicts effectively, with my new book: The Four Essentials of Conflict Resolution.
